Freedom to Feel

The water seems clean until there’s movement. Living in a pandemic can sure stir up a lot of things. I’ve had to confront some of my own issues to stay afloat on these Corona rapids. Here’s a look into that process:

A couple of weeks ago I was feeling very irritated and couldn’t shake it. My mind scrolled through my usual go-to methods for “feeling better”: junk food, sleep, Netflix, or scrolling through social media, but none of them seemed like viable options on a mid-morning workday. I tried surrendering the irritation to God but later realized I had acted like a delivery man during quarantine: choosing the “leave at door” option with little to no contact with Him. When that didn’t work, I tried ignoring it until I couldn’t stand it any longer. I finally laid down on the floor, similar to a child who has worn themselves out after a tantrum, and said “ok God where are you?”

My mind was wandering at a surprising rate, but I just kept refocusing my mind on Him, imagining a star-filled universe in my head and repeating “God, where are you?” and “Jesus, I’m so irritated!” every 5 seconds. Suddenly I was picturing Jesus’ eyes. I felt completely exposed, but my frustration didn’t seem to bother Him in the least. I was completely seen and completely accepted by His gaze. He met me right where I was at. My frustration melted away. In this moment I realized that this is what it meant to come to Him in my weakness. I was reminded of the words Paul speaks in 2 Corinthians 12:9:

“I will not boast about myself except about my weaknesses…He said ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. For Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties. For when I am weak then I am strong.”

There is great value in showing our true, authentic selves. Authenticity gives us the freedom to say “I am human. I have weaknesses and flaws.” We all know our weaknesses can and should make us more dependent on God. If we were without defect, would we still seek Him? God’s not expecting flawlessness. The type of perfection He calls us to still leaves room for failure and mistakes.

I focus a lot on wanting to be as emotionally and spiritually healthy as possible, which often leads to over-analyzing myself. In one of my over-analyzation sessions, I realized I had become so focused on how I “should” be that I wouldn’t even let myself acknowledge the thoughts, feelings, and desires that didn’t align with the person I wanted to be. I was stuffing down anything that I didn’t like instead of addressing it.

During quarantine I’ve had even more time to read and take courses on different topics such as healthy relationships and boundaries. I got to the point where I was so discouraged by discovering so many areas I needed growth in, that I took a much needed break from it all.

That’s why this encounter was all the more meaningful for me. I had been overlooking a key concept: God uses us in our weakness.

So what’s the lesson learned? It would save us a lot of time and shorten our period of “feeling bad” if we went to Him first with our disappointment, fear, frustration, sin, and acknowledged our pain rather than ignoring it or trying to hand it over to Him without unpacking it. You can’t truly surrender your feelings to God without letting yourself feel them first. You can’t ding-dong-ditch God with your burdens. Allowing ourselves to feel the pain is a nod to our weakness and our need for Him. We can try to glaze over our internal issues with a nice buttercream frosting by eating actual frosting, or spending hours getting lost in the internet, or drinking too much, or chasing that attractive guy/girl, or whatever your comfort of choice is, but in the end we are only distracting ourselves. The feelings are still there festering underneath the surface, and our true needs and desires are buried even further beneath.

Choose to stand in the uncomfortableness for a minute while you ring the doorbell. Let Him answer and examine the problem with you. Tell Him about it anyway you’d like: shouting, crying, throwing a tantrum on the floor, etc. It’s about letting God meet us where we’re at and experiencing it with Him.

Only then we can properly cast our burdens on the Lord and let Him sustain us (Psalm 55:22).

We’re opening ourselves up to receive His comfort, love, grace, peace, acceptance, attention, etc., and His insight on the matter. He can show us if there’s a deeper issue at hand and walk us through the process of healing.